I wanted to submit a picture, but I freaked out at the thought that a friend or relative would find it. I thought about cropping the face, but the clothes and background are obvious to anyone who has been in my house at least once. I’m freaking out right now, thinking that someone will recognize my writing. Only 3 people know and I don’t want anyone else to do so. One is a friend of mine, who is a bulimic. We don’t talk frequently, but when one of us is feeling bad, we just call the other and not-eat together. The second one is my boyfriend, who tries his best to understand and to be there when I need him, but unconciously, whenever I’m around him I feel like i HAVE TO eat. The third one is a friend. We were having a beer, talking about tottally random things such as pokemon, marvel and skyrim, when out of tthe blue, I feel the urge to say “Hey, you now, I’ve been struggling with anorexia and bulimia for a long time” It was the most awkward conversation ever and I regret every single word I sadi. I guess I needed to tell someone, I had to get it out of my chest. Just like I’m doing now, I know I’m not really saying anything, but I need to vent. It’s like I needed to tell the world “You, please stop it. I don’t want help, or maybe I do, I don’t know. I want you to understand, or maybe not. I want you to stop pressuring me, to stop talking about food. Stop asking me out to dinner because when I get back home I’ll break down once for every bite I took. I don’t want that, it hurts. Don’t look at me that way. I’m not sick, I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell. And you, yes you, you’re not helping.”

Sorry for the long text. I just neded to vent, I needed to get this out of my chest D:

ME: Feel free to vent to me any time. I know it can be hard. I actually haven’t told anyone about my ED except for my therapist, and I kind of glossed over it. I get the feeling of wanting people to know and not wanting them to know at the same time. On one hand, you just need someone to talk to, on another you’re ashamed of it. Oh and you want to get help, because you know it’s the right thing to do, but at the same time you don’t want to let go of the ED. But I hope you can work through some of these feelings. Try talking to your boyfriend about it, and I mean really talk. And, assuming he really really cares for you, he’ll help you through it. <3

clichecliche:

sorry for um.. filling your mailbox with this crap, but i really need someone to calm me down.. I usually have 200-450 kcal a day and its all fruits and veggies, and today i ate an entire chocolate bar.. I want to hit myself in the face real hard. At the same time I want to take a handful of chocolate and rub it into my face. Goddamn!! I need to calm down and NOT vomit but its soo hard. AM I GOING TO GAIN WEIGHT AFTER THIS?!?!??!?!??!

First off, one little chocolate bar is going to do squat. Second, I know it can be really hard, but try not to think about weight so much. Eat what makes you feel good, if you want to eat chocolate, then eat it. Now, don’t eat like 10 bars of chocolate, that will just make you sick, but have some. Just try to keep reminding yourself, it’s not about the weight. I hope you feel better, if you need anything, just shoot me another ask. =)